Through darkness to the light
by goldoutsider
Summary: Johnny is tired of living in pain and he is at the end of his rope. Will Ponyboy be able to show him the light?
1. Chapter 1

It was a regular early December Saturday afternoon, except maybe it was a little more quiet than usual at the house. Darry had to work, and Soda and Steve were out. Two-Bit came by earlier, but seeing that no one was around he left. Dally was in the cooler, not that he'd stay here with me to keep me company anyway. Not sure I'd want him to either. I was getting really bored. I've been reading this book earlier, but I got kind of tired of it. I wished Johnny would come over like he did a lot of times on Saturdays and weekdays too. But a lot of times he wouldn't come over any more. If things were bad at home and he was in a depressed mood, he wouldn't come over. He'd go to the lot to cool off, and only after a few days he'd start coming over again. I didn't like when he got like that, and I wished I could be there, but I knew he wanted to be alone and I could understand and respect that. Today must be one of those days 'cause otherwise he'd be here by now. Still I was so bored, that I decided to go to the lot to see him. I mean it's not like he's gonna tell me to leave or anything.

It was getting cold outside, even though I wasn't complaining considering it was December. Usually, it was much colder by this time of December. This year it felt more like late November or something. Anyway, I made sure to put my warm jacket on. I guess being away in Windrixville taught me a thing or two. I try to use my head more, and Soda said I'm getting better at it, though I think he's just saying that for my sake.

I was so convinced that Johnny was at the lot, that I was caught off-guard when I got there and saw no sign of him whatsoever. He never stays home most of the time. He seizes any chance to get out. He only goes there to sleep, and even then half the time he sleeps at the lot or our place. Any other time I would think that maybe he's with Dal, but Dallas was in the cooler.

I felt a heavy feeling in my chest as I realized the only other answer to where he would be. I wanted to pretend that it's not the case, and maybe he just went out to buy cigarettes or something, but I knew that was not the case. I could just feel it.

My first instinct was to run to his house, but then what would I do once I get there? I can't do anything to his father. He won't stop just 'cause I'm there. A while ago, I remember, he belted Johnny with that 2 by 4 right in front of me and he didn't care that I was there. I shuddered at the memory. That man is ruthless. Yet I quickened my pace walking in the direction of Johnny's house. Maybe once I'm there I can distract his old man or bluff that I'd call the cops or something. Though he knows that Johnny hasn't done this 'cause no matter how bad he has it there, he doesn't want to end up in a boys home. So his old man knows that and uses that fully to his advantage. And 'sides you just don't call the cops on this side of town. _They_ call you. You call them and you risk being booked for whatever had happened that day and they need someone to pin it on.

I sarted walking even faster. Didn't like the suspense, just wanted to get there and get it over with. Finally, I got to his house. I stopped outside the door trying to listen in. Usually, if his folks were fighting you could hear them all the way down the street. But I guess his dad kept it quiet during the beatings 'cause as shady as our neighborhood was, he was scared someone _would_ call child abuse line or something. The saddest thing though, I think, is that a lot of people know or had guessed that that's what's going on at Johnny's house. But nobody really cares 'cept for the gang. A lot of times even greasers would give him shit, just 'cause he is so quiet and doesn't look so mean like the rest of them. He is a good target for them to pick on. And a lot of them know of the beatings and that doesn't stop them none. And they know that he isn't a pussy or anything, and is good in a fight, but that doesn't stop them either.

Anyway, now I was standing by the door and trying to listen in, and even though his dad kept quiet during the beatings, and Johnny wouldn't let so much as a whimper, I was sure I would hear something standing this close. Like maybe him swearing under his breath, or sounds of broken bottles, but I didn't hear anything. It was really quiet. I knocked on the door just in case if his folks were around. I got no answer and knocked again, and got no answer again. Unable to wait any longer, I opened the door and walked in. It was kind of dark inside, in spite of, the fact that it was just a couple of hours after noon. All the lights were off, and all the shades were down.

"Johnny you in here?" I yelled as I walked in. I got no answer, but I heard some kind of rustle just for a few seconds, and then it got quiet again. I went in the direction of the rustle, which was upstairs, where Johnny's room was. I got upstairs, skipping a step as I did. The door to his room was opened and I could see him sitting on the floor in one of the corners. His knees pulled to his chest, his head down, staring into space.

He saw me walk in, but didn't say anything. His face looked terrible. It was all puffy and stuff, and blood was smudged all over it, like if he wiped it with the sleeve of his shirt or something. You could see the bruises and a shiner even from where I stood. One eye was completely swollen with the black-blue mark around it. There was blood above his lips, and you could see it getting all dried up, but not dry just yet. Guess he missed that spot when he was wiping it with his sleeve. The lips were busted and all puffy and swollen, and there was especially huge bruise on his right cheekbone. His shirt was torn in a couple of places and you could see marks from the beating, and there were a couple of gashes that were still partly bleeding and marks of the blood that had already dried up.

But most terrible was the look in his eyes. It was this blank, numb look of a person whose life was completely knocked out of him. He was just staring into space from under his bangs, and there was complete indifference in that look. He still didn't say anything. I felt kind of stupid and didn't know what to say. You wouldn't say 'what happened?' since it's quite obvious what had happened. And you wouldn't say 'Are you ok?' since it's also obvious that he's not.

"What are you doing here?" He finally said, not looking directly at me. His voice sounded quiet, dull and indifferent and scratchier than it usually was. But underneath the indifference and the numbness there was hurt. And something else, some other thing that I couldn't quite place… shame?

"You weren't' at the lot, so I came by," I said simply. He didn't answer, and silence once again filled the room.

"You got a cigarette?" He asked.

"Here," I gave it to him. He placed it between his busted lips, and I lit up, using my lighter. He took a deep inhale, closing his eyes and leaning his head against the wall, but then took it back out right away. "Shit," he cursed. I guess the smoke went into the wounds on his lips and it hurt.

He brought the cigarette to his lips again, more carefully this time, and took another long drag still staring into space.

"I'm tired," he finally said, not looking at me. His voice sounded dead, it was very low, almost not audible, and there was no expression in it, like it was just dead. That's the only way I can describe it. "Tired of all this shit," he continued, "it just seems like this is never gonna stop." And this time he sounded bitter and hopeless. "Like even if I get out of this house, there still be something else, you know, the socs, the cops and shit, stupid people at the social services. No jobs and shit like that. I'll just end up like my old man." He finished.

"Don't talk like that, Johnny." I said.

"Why not? – it's the truth."

"C'mon Johnny, I'll help you clean up." I said coming up closer. All of the sudden the look in his eyes flashed this anger, and he prompted himself up, while grounding the cigarette.

"I am not ten anymore, you know," he said, "I can take care of myself." He tried to sound cold, but again I could sense hurt and pain underneath the coldness.

I wanted to leave then. If all of the sudden he doesn't want my help that's fine. I was all worried about him and that's why I even stopped by, but if he's acting like this I'll be gone 'fore he can turn around. But I realized that he was just feeling lousy and that's why he was acting like that and saying stuff like that. In the past, when he was younger whenever he was hurt he'd come to our house and one of the guys would clean him up and even do the stitches if needed. But like I said, lately he stopped doing that. Instead, he'd disappear for a few days, and then show up a few days later.

Johnny made a funny sound, rubbing his left side and leaning on the wall with his right hand. I guess his ribs were pretty messed up. Finally, he made it to the bathroom. He let the cold water run and stuck his head in, letting the water run down his bloody face, neck and shoulders. From time to time he'd make this somewhat hissed sound. I guess when the water got into the wound and it hurt a little.

"At least let me help you, you are not gonna be able to reach to clean and bandage those gashes yourself." I said pointing to the gashes where his shirt was torn.

"I'll be fine." He said calmly, but firmly, and he kind of looked down. His voice didn't sound cold or mean this time, but he was kind of looking down, and I realized he didn't want me there staring at him while he was doing this.

"Well, I guess I'm gonna go then." I said, my voice lower than I intended, "Come over if you need anything, 'k?"

"Yeah," he said, his voice kind of hoarse, "thanks," and this time he didn't avoid eye contact with me. I left, hearing the shower turn on as I was walking towards the door.

When I got home I read a little more, then went to shoot some ball with Soda and Two-Bit, but then Steve showed up and him and Soda had to go somewhere so Two-Bit gave me a ride home.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N ok I am probably not going to be able to update for the next couple of weeks. So I am posting all the remaining chapters today:) Hope you enjoy the story, and please leave me a review.

Here we go enjoy:)

I haven't heard from Johnny on Sunday, but I didn't think much of it since I knew that he lets a few days go by before he starts coming over again. By the following Sunday though I started to get a little worried. And even Darry, who's busy all the time and is not paying that much attention to who is in and out of the house, had asked me about Johnny. "He just needs his space," I said, "I'm sure he'll turn up soon enough." But I felt some uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I didn't like how it felt. What if his old man did more damage? More than Johnny could handle.

I had so much homework to do. I was behind, which I was not telling Darry about, and I was supposed to make it up by Monday. I kept trying to do the homework, but I couldn't go on for more than 10-15 minutes at a time. I would just snap out of it - my thoughts going back to Johnny, and how come he haven't shown up or called or he haven't been seen anywhere by any of the guys either.

I willed myself to concentrate on the work. It was getting dark, and I felt exhausted. I have only done one third of the stuff I was supposed to do. Shit, I thought, I'll have to stay up all night so I can finish it. I really have to bring it all in tomorrow. I'll stay up, not like I haven't done that before. I'd just have to put up a show for Darry pretending I'm going to sleep and then getting up and finishing this stupid homework.

"Pony are you done with your work?" I heard Darry yelling from the other room.

"Yeah, I am." I lied. Darry hasn't been checking my every single homework lately since he's got to trusting me more. But he still looks it over a lot of times. Just to make sure it's right. This whole week I haven't been telling him the truth of what's been assigned so he couldn't figure that I haven't done it.

"Do you want me to look it over?" He yelled again.

"Sure Dare," – I didn't want him to suspect anything. So he came in, and looked over the parts that I've completed by now, not aware that there was more. I mean much more. He picked up on a few mistakes. Some of them were really stupid, and he kind of gave me this look that said what on earth is wrong with you? But I wasn't surprised I made those dumb mistakes like that. My mind was on something else and I was completely spacing out every 10 minutes and couldn't concentrate to save my life - I was surprised I even got _some_ of the stuff right. Man, no wonder Johnny messes up in school all the time. He's always a nervous wreck, his mind is always on other stuff. Like his parents and his life, and he's got severe concentration issues.

Darry was looking at me expectantly.

"I'm just tired is all." I said fixing the errors.

"All right go on, get some sleep then." He said leaving the room.

"Sure thing," I muttered under my breath sarcastically.

As Darry closed the door behind him, I turned the light off, but turned a little desk lamp on and kept doing this stupid homework. I was exhausted, my thoughts were even more mixed up than before. Now it wasn't just switching between trying to do the homework and Johnny, but it was everything else. It was about how this is my last year of school, and how I should be going off to college, and how things are supposed to change, but I don't really want them to, and yet I want them to at the same time. And how come Two- Bit is not worried abut any of this stuff and not even Soda. Maybe I shouldn't even go to college.

Then I started thinking about how my mom didn't have any brothers or sisters at all, and how it must've been hard for her 'cause she had nobody to back her up, and my dad had this cousin, but he was nothing like my dad. He was mean and nasty. God! I stopped myself - why was I thinking all this irrelevant and completely random stuff now? I think I got an overload of information while trying to catch up with this homework, and this was my mind's way of relieving itself.

I made an effort to concentrate and then tried to do some more work, but after about 10 minutes my thoughts jumped back to Johnny.

Next thing I knew, I woke up - my head on top of the opened notebook on my desk. Shit, I must've fallen asleep I thought rubbing my eyes. I glanced at the clock – it was 5:30 a.m. Shit, shit, shit - but I still got **some** time – Darry usually woke me up at around 7. I tiptoed to the bathroom, as not to wake Soda or Darry, and splashed some cold water on my face to feel more awake. Then I went back to my room. My stomach was making funny sounds. I didn't really feel hungry at all, but by the sounds the stomach was making I guess I was. Ignoring it, I went back to the homework.

I felt exhausted though, and restless. Like I couldn't keep sitting on that chair anymore. I got up and walked around the room. I felt trapped in those 4 walls; I felt the need to get out. Walking around helped a little bit, but not really. I wished I could go outside and take a long walk. I wished it was 7 already so I could at least get out of the room. I sat back down. I decided to switch from math to something else, so I closed my math notebook and got the Social Studies book out.

After reading a little bit my mind started jumping to thinking about Johnny again, and then to some random and irrelevant stuff and all this stuff we read in Social Studies books. I felt like my mind was literally on fire.

I wanted to smoke, but Darry would get suspicious if he gets in here at 7 and there is smoke in the room. Great, I can't even smoke now. The homework was forgotten. I sat down on the edge of the bed reluctantly. I may as well go to sleep for the almost 2 hours that I got left. I couldn't fall asleep though, and my head was about to fall off it hurt so bad.

I got up again and tiptoed to the bathroom again and grabbed some aspirins out of the medicine cabinet. I swallowed them on the way back to my room. Without water - just like that. I was feeling even more restless, if that was even possible. I waited for the alarm to go off. (it was set for 7, as usual) and for Darry to come in to make sure that I'm up.

Finally, the blasted alarm went off.

"You up Pony?" I heard Dairy's voice shortly after.

"Yeah, I'm up Dar," - I tried to sound casual. God, but my head hurt. Even those aspirins didn't take care of it. Maybe when I get outside the headache would stop.

I got downstairs. I put all my effort into not looking like I've been up all night. Darry made an omelette. He made good omelettes - with onions and sausage. After I ate, the headache subsided a little bit and I felt better.

They didn't notice anything. Dar was too busy with making sure everything was put away before he went off to work, and Soda was too preoccupied with himself, and trying to find his uniform and shit, and not be late for work. Finally, they said their goodbyes, and took off.

I sighed, gathering all my books together and putting them into my backpack. What am I going to say when they ask me to turn in all that late homework? I have a couple of less or more good buddies that would let me copy theirs. I've done it before. I mean, rarely, but it did happen. But the thing is that most of my classes are full of socs, and I don't have any of my buddies there.

I started walking. Dragging is more like it. My head still hurt even though I was feeling better than before. Suddenly it occurred to me – I should skip. Yeah, I should just skip today. I don't have most of my homework done anyway, and what's the point of sitting there listening in humiliation to teachers yell at you or lecture you or tell you how you've been such a good boy (I hated when they referred to me as boy, by the way) with such potential and you are throwing it all away. I was screwed anyway, so I should just skip.

Yeah, I'll skip and maybe not just today. Maybe I'll skip a few days, and I'll make up all my homework during these days, and then it will all be fine. I'll need a note or something saying I was sick. I'm sure Two-Bit will do it for me, he won't mind. Hey, I'll even come down to the cooler and visit Dal and ask him to write that stupid note for me if I have to. Now, _he_ definitely won't mind. I smiled at the thought and the image of Dallas having to write a stupid school note for me while in jail. Now that really _was_ funny.

It was decided then – me, Ponyboy Curtis, a former straight A student (well, almost) was skipping school today. I turned around and started walking back to my house. I felt relieved. I'll go home, and do this stupid homework. No need to sit through the night trying to finish it. Then I remembered about Johnny, and my heart fell. Something was terribly wrong. He hasn't shown up or been heard of for an entire week. I should go and look for him. Yeah, right now. Homework can wait!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N ok, here is the next one - enjoy and don't forget to reveiw:)

First things first – I went to the lot, but as I was walking there, I knew I wouldn't find Johnny there. And sure enough he wasn't there when I got there. But there were lots of cigarette butts all over the place. They were all covered with mud and half stepped into the ground. You could tell they've been here for a few days. So he hasn't been here for a few days then, I thought. I hated going to Johnny's house again, but that's what needed to be done. I wished Dallas was out. He could go with me then. The headache got worse again, and I didn't have any aspirins on me. Stupid, I should've taken some with me.

I came up to Johnny's house, and this time I could hear bickering that was going on inside. It wasn't like a full blown fight or anything, but it was Johnny's dad and mom exchanging a few insults with each other. I dragged myself to the porch and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" I heard a high pitched voice of Johnny's mom.

"Tell whoever it is," I heard his dad's voice in the background, "that it's not a good time now." Shit, I thought, its' not a good time now. Is he going at it right now? Beating Johnny I mean?

"Who is it?" Johnny's mom repeated as I did not answer the first time.

"It's Ponyboy," I said, and added, "Johnny's friend," just in case she didn't know or didn't remember my name.

She opened the door only a little bit, just enough space to stick her head out, which she did. She looked me over in silence and kind of wrinkled her nose. Like if I smelled or something.

"He ain't here." She finally said - disgust in her voice. He aint here no more, and I don't know where the hell he is. Must be with one of ya alls no good hoodlums getting into more trouble. Now go on, get out of here." I wasn't moving. I kind of spaced out for a minute. She had the nerve to wrinkle her nose at me and call me and my friends hoodlums. She, whose house was not cleaned, whose husband was a drunk, who didn't even care about her own son. She was calling _me_ a hoodlum?

"Are you deaf or something?" She repeated, and then squinted her eyes at me giving me a closer look. "You must be stoned, you dirty trash…" She was cut off by Mr. Cade himself, "who the hell is it Linda?" - He sounded aggravated.

"It's one of those dirtbags that he hangs out with." She didn't even say Johnny's name, just said _he,_ I thought blankly.

"Tell him to get the fuck out or I'll come out and beat it out of him in a second." Johnny's dad yelled, his speech slurred a little. I heard his footsteps approaching, and while I doubted he would actually do something to me, I felt disgusted and outraged. So I turned around and beat it out of there as fast as I could.

I turned the corner and stopped. I had to digest what just happened. I mean, I was glad Johnny wasn't there and his dad wasn't beating the shit out of him, but maybe he had already done that before and Johnny wondered off somewhere. And there was more to it too. Its how she looked at me, I mean his mother. How she wrinkled her nose and how she thought I was stoned. I mean I just felt disgusting. Like if I just accidentally stepped into a pile of dog shit, and now my shoe was all dirty and I had to clean it by wiping it on the grass. You know that feeling when that happens sometimes in the summer when you are walking through the grass and you are not paying attention, and you may accidentally step into a pile of dog shit. Well, that's how I felt right then. I felt dirty, like I needed to clean it up. I felt low, like I know she was just saying that and it's not true, but I still felt like it. I lit up, and inhaled deeply, while walking a bit slower, not sure where exactly I was going, just being dissolved in my thoughts. After about ten minutes I got a hold of myself and kept walking.

I walked across our neighborhood for another few hours stopping at any places like abandoned buildings and stuff and going to the junk yard that wasn't that far away, and where some greasers hung out sometimes. I also went to the bus stop where Johnny and I would sit sometimes on a rainy day when we didn't want to go to our house or had to wait for Soda or someone else to come around. I went to some other empty lots, not the one that Johnny usually stayed at and I even checked in the park.

Johnny rarely went to any bars or any places like that and most importantly never by himself. But I had to check anyway. I started with the pool hall. He went there more than he did to the bars. A lot of times he'd go with me and Dal and we'd shoot some pool or play pinball machines.

The pool hall was almost empty when I got there. I mean it was still pretty early in the day, and most people were at work or in school. There was a bunch of hoods by one of the pool tables though. It was dark inside. It always is in a place like this. It adds to this relaxing atmosphere or something. So yeah, it was dark even though it was bright day light outside. I knew one of the kids by the table. Knew him from school. He was a tough grease who hardly ever went to school and was known for doing some nasty stuff. To girls mostly. I didn't like him that much, but I still came up to him. I would come up even if I didn't know any of them at all. I needed to ask them if they'd seen Johnny. I came up closer to them squinting in the dark.

"Hey," I said to the one I knew. His name was Roy. He stopped for a second, leaning forward and resting his hands on his cue. He nodded slightly, acknowledging me and kind of smirking from under his bangs. "Uh you haven't seen Johnny Cade 'round here I cut thru the chase.

"Who?" He looked puzzled, "oh, that black-haired kid you hang out with, the one that killed a soc?"

"Yeah, that's the one, have you seen him by any chance?"

"Why he's missing and shit?" He laughed. What was funny was beyond me, but I didn't say anything.

"No, I ain't seen him." He said after he stopped laughing.

"What's the hold up?" One of the other ones yelled from behind of the table, "you playin' or what?" He was getting impatient.

"Thanks." I muttered walking away.

Next place I had to go to was Buck's. Yeah right, like he's gonna be in there. But even if not, maybe Buck heard something. Buck talks to a lot of people and he usually knows all the gossip. So if something bad had happened to Johnny, Buck would know about it. I lit up another cigarette and kept walking. I had to pass by the DX in order to get to Buck's. I felt so low as I had to walk around it from behind, almost hiding behind the trees just to make sure I don't' run into Soda or Steve by accident.

Finally, the DX was behind me, and I was on my way to Buck's. He opened after I knocked on the door and then on the window. The music was pretty loud in there even at this hour of the day. He came down and opened the door and then looked startled for a second like not knowing who I was. He was rubbing his eyes. Must've been sleeping a hangover.

"Whacha want?" he said, his eyes finally focusing on me.

"I am looking for Johnny," I said, "and I thought maybe he stopped by here today or any time this week or maybe you heard something. We haven't heard from him for about a week."

"You are talking 'bout O'Connor from Shepard's gang?" he asked slightly confused why I needed to know about Johnny O'Connor from Shepard's gang.

"Not O'Connor," I said annoyed. "I'm talking about Johnny Cade. You know the one I hang out with. He's come here with Dallas a few times."

"Oh that kid," he gave me a wide smile. "I remember now. You two are in some shit again?" He then asked curiously, but at the same time with some sort of approval. Like he was proud that we were in some shit. He must be remembering the last time Johnny and I came here looking for Dal.

"No" I said, "but he's missing and I thought you might know something." I was surprised at how serious my voice sounded. It was no joke all right. He was really missing. Buck must've sensed the seriousness in my voice and stopped grinning. "I haven't heard anything kid, but if I do I'll let you know all right?"

"All right," I nodded, "thanks."

Buck went back in, and I was left standing outside and deciding where I should go next. Maybe I should report a missing person I thought. But I dismissed that thought. Like I said you really don't call the cops on this side of town unless you really, really have to. I figured if by the end of the day or maybe the next day I don't find him and don't hear anything from anyone, I'll have to let the cops know. But just not yet. For now I should keep looking.

So next I went to these other hoods neighborhoods, the ones that were kind of far from our neighborhood. I passed a bunch of kids in the park playing poker. Must be skipping school. You could hear them cursing five miles away. They looked kind of mean and scary too, but I still stopped by them and asked them if they'd seen this black-haired kid and I gave them Johnny's description. They only shook their heads confusingly at me and went back to the excitement of their game.

I kept walking. I looked behind the buildings in the backstreets in case he was hiding out there, I looked under the benches and in the dark corners in case he was laying there beat up by his dad or socs or who knows who else. In the dead-end streets, behind the dumpsters and in the parking lots. I looked in the field by the railroad, and in the yard by the church where a lot of homeless people made their camp.

After hours of wondering around town, I was all the way downtown and I was getting hungry and a little tired too. I didn't have money on me. Of course not, why would I think of such a thing as taking money with me. I really didn't want to smoke, but I lit up again so I could suppress hunger. I was getting out of ideas as to where else I could look for Johnny, and I was getting really worried. Maybe he decided to run away. But knowing Johnny, I was more than sure he would stop by first.

I kept walking, turning the corner and going into another street and then another park. It was getting dark by now. As I was going through the park, I passed by two guys. They looked real shady and dressed kind of funny too. They were just standing there, talking to each other, but as I was passing by them, one of them started to say in this kind of low and suppressed voice, "smoke, smoke, smoke…"-for a 10th of a second I was confused, and then I realized that they were selling drugs. It was kind of funny. I wondered briefly what exactly they were offering. Was it just pot or was it something stronger? The park was large and as I was exiting all the way on the opposite side, I passed by another guy and again he started in a low whisper "smoke, smoke, smoke…" and he kind of walked a few steps with me just to keep saying that. I walked faster. Shit, I didn't need to get into any kind of shit here with the drug dealers.

As I was walking I saw a guy in front of me who I could swear was Dallas. He even walked the same. I walked up to him from the back and called his name. He turned around and of course it wasn't Dallas.

"Sorry," I mumbled, and I felt my shoulders slouch in disappointment as I watched the guy walk away. It wasn't Dallas, but I really wished it was. Shoot, I was exhausted by then and since I didn't have any money on me, I'd have to walk all the way home. I thought of Dallas. I should go visit him I thought. Johnny worships Dallas and maybe he came by and told him something. I knew the visitation was allowed twice a week, and last visit was at 7. I should hurry if I'm to make it by 7. The jail was in the other part of town, closer to our neighborhood.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Ok here we go, r&r**

It was dark by the time I got to the jailhouse.

"What's the matter?" the guy at the front desk asked, clearing his throat.

"I'm here for visitation," I said, sounding kind of nervous and rushed. I barely made it before 7 and I was concerned that they are going to be assholes and say it's too late already.

"Who are you visiting?" the guy asked.

"Dallas Winston," I looked down, and again. I felt so low, like I had no control over things. I always got to ask somebody for stuff. Be it Darry, my teachers at school, social services that checked on us, and now the cops or even Johnny's parents. God, I hated this. I hated it so much!

He stared at me for a few seconds as if deciding if he should let me in or not. I looked at the clock on the wall. It was quarter to 7. He followed my look with his eyes, then cleared his throat again, and said "All right, but you got only 15 minutes so make it quick." I guess he knew then he couldn't deny me my visiting hours even if he wanted to. I felt a little better then.

"Larry, get Winston," he said on his radio, and added, "for visitation." Then he made me sign my name in this log thing they had, and led me into this visitation room. I've been there before a couple of times in the past when me and Johnny visited Dal.

Then this tall guy brought Dallas in. The look in his eyes when he saw me was pure confusion, and disbelief. Aw shit I thought, he doesn't know nothing.

"What's the matter Pone?" He said lazily, sitting down at this old visitation desk, while the guard walked back to the corner of the room where he was going to stand for the rest of the visitation.

"What is it kid, you came all the way down here to just stare at me?" Dally asked smirking. I knew my answer right then - Johnny hadn't been there or Dally would've guessed why I came by.

"Um, no," I said.

"What is it? For Chrissake…" – he was getting impatient.

"Johnny, you know…"

"What?" He cut me off, "What's the matter with him?" He tried to sound casual, but there was clearly worry in his voice. He tried to gain his composure though.

"Is something wrong with him?" He asked more calmly this time.

"He's been missing for a week," I said, "and I thought maybe he came by and you know where he is." I looked Dally straight in the eyes. I kind of still had some hope left. Maybe Dally is just covering up for Johnny like he did for us back then when we were in Windrixville and he knew where we were, but didn't let the others know.

"Quit staring at me for Chrissake Pony."

"Sorry," I mumbled, looking down.

"When did he go missing?" Dal said.

"Well, last time I saw him was a week ago, 't was after … you know, his dad 'nd shit." Dally squinted his eyes in disdain. "Yeah? How bad was it?"

"It was bad," I said, "but it wasn't that. He was talking shit you know?"

"What do you mean?"

"He was saying things all right?"

"What kind of things?"

"Like he's tired of this and he doesn't think it would get better 'nd shit like that."

"So that was last week?" His voice sounded sketchy and irritated.

"Yeah."

"'Nd you didn't come up here earlier?"

"You know how he is these days. He doesn't show up for a few days after stuff like that. So I was just giving him his space."

Dally just looked at me and it looked like he wanted to curse me out, but he controlled himself.

"And you being here doesn't exactly help either," I said. I couldn't believe I just mouthed off to Dallas Winston like that, but I did. I mean it was true. He couldn't do much always being in the cooler and shit. The expression on his face changed in an instance. It was this mixture of anger, disbelief that I actually said that to him and helplessness 'cause, I guess, he knew it was true. No matter how tough or tuff he is, he can't do anything to help Johnny or any of us if he's always jailed up. He was gonna say something, and I braced myself to be cursed out, but we were interrupted by the guards loud "time's up." He said it like he was announcing some great news. Like he was getting an outmost joy out of cutting this conversation short. He started to come up to take Dal back to his cell.

"I'll keep looking for him," I got a chance to squeeze in before the guard came by. Dal just looked at me, and I didn't like that look. It was sad, and he kind of bit his lip. That was not a good thing from Dallas Winston. I know he wanted to come with me to look for Johnny, but here was the guard taking him away, and not only he couldn't come with me, but he couldn't even finish a conversation.

The guard came by and started to lead Dallas away, and he turned around one more time and gave me this pleading look and almost whispered, "find him Pony,…please."

"C'mon Winston" the guard barked. He gave me one last look before walking away – his eyes opened wide, and pleading.

"I will," I mouthed nodding.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N Last chapter you guys, hope you enjoy this story. Don't forget to reveiw:)**

The air inside was kind of stuffy, and I was glad to be outside again. I was exhausted. I kept walking, but I was really starving now. I lit up again, and after I was done with this cigarette, I lit up another one. I didn't feel so hungry if I kept smoking. But I started to get dizzy as I was walking. I guess from both hunger and smoking so much. It was completely dark by then. It was that time when it's already dark, but the street lights aren't on yet.

C'mon Johnny, I thought, where the fuck are you? I kept walking in desperation and bewilderment. I wasn't really looking where I was walking and I kept stumbling into things, and being that it was so dark and I was kind of dizzy didn't help either. It was getting really windy too, and it was kind of this narrow sidewalk that I was on, and tree branches were whipping across my face as the wind was blowing. It hurt. I started walking faster so I could pass this stupid and extremely narrow side walk. The wind was merciless though and I felt tears coming out of my eyes. I wasn't crying or anything, its just 'cause of the wind. It always makes my eyes tear up.

Next I was passing through some middle class section of our town, the street lights got turned on. One of them apparently right across and above my face. Shit, I cursed squinting from the light that got directly into my eyes. I tilted my head to the side to avoid this stupid light, still squinting, and then…. Shi-i-ii-it-tt-tt, shit, shit! … On the roof of one of the buildings that was lit up by the light from the street light, I saw distinctively a figure standing on the very edge. I mean _right_ on the edge!… Fuck! I could see the jet black hair all the way from where I was standing. There was no way to even pretend that it was someone else. I was looking from the side, so he couldn't see me. Shit, what do I do? If I scream he may just jump right away. What a fuck do I do? What do I do? Oh, shit, shit, he must've lost his mind. _This_ is his way of dealing? I got to do something. Shit what if he jumps right now, as I'm standing here like an idiot as if I grew into the ground.

The figure on the roof made a move and leaned forward slightly. I felt like I was going to drop dead any minute myself. I wanted to scream 'Don't do it!' I opened my mouth, but the words just wouldn't come out, I had no voice. Then he kind of raised one of his hands in the air, - what is he doing? Then I got it - he was lighting a cigarette. Oh, I thought in half agony and half sarcasm, how classy. One last one, huh?

Shit this gives me time. While he's smoking, I mean. I quickly crossed the street so I'd be out of his view, and sprinted to the entrance of the building. I was praying and hoping it's one of the ones that don't have a bell or security downstairs, but I was out of luck. In this town, there are mostly houses and if you got a tall building it most likely is either some huge business or a hotel or some shit like that. This was kind of the middle class neighborhood, and it turned out to be a hotel.

I ran inside, but was immediately stopped by the front desk clerk, "young man how can I help you?" the clerk asked with fake politeness, and looking suspiciously at my clothes that didn't fit in with this middle class neighborhood. I wanted to just shoot for it, but I thought if I do, and he chases me to the roof it may scare Johnny and he'd jump.

"We only have seconds, sir!" I yelled, I was all out of breath, my heart was pounding and my palms were all sweaty and cold and all the thoughts in my head were racing, "sir please, please believe me. My friend, he's on the roof, he's gonna jump…" I sounded desperate, which I was.

He furrowed his eyebrow, but only for a second. Then he looked me straight in the eyes, and then responded quickly, "ok, I'll call security."

"No, sir we don't have time," I pleaded, "he's really going to jump. I got to get there _now!_ Please, please let me do it!" I was begging, thinking that we were too late already, that he was done with his cigarette by now.

"Fine," he grabbed my arm and started running down the hall, dragging me after him.

"What are you doing? Let go!" I felt like my mind was really getting blurred at this point. I hardly even knew what was going on anymore.

"Sorry kid," he yelled as he kept running, "I'm just getting you to the express elevator. It'll get you straight to the top floor, and then there is a path directly to the roof. It's usually locked. Don't know how your friend got there."

"Oh, thanks," I mumbled. He shoved me into the elevator. "I'm gonna call security they'll be there for help,"

"No police please," I yelled back as the elevator doors closed.

In two seconds I was up on the roof. I was scared to take a peek, afraid that he was already gone, but I guess we would've heard some sort of noise or commotion downstairs if that had happened. I felt literally sick and dizzy just at the thought of that. I peeked my head out. He was … grounding his cigarette, and I noticed a fresh bloody mark on his cheekbone.

In just an instance, and before I could even think what I was doing, I ran to the very edge of the roof and grabbed his arm. "If you jump - I jump!" I screamed on top of my lungs, pulling him away from the edge. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. He didn't say anything, he was just staring with his huge eyes right into mine. We were still close enough to the edge.

"Pony, please…" he mouthed with his lips, trying to free his arm, "you don't understand…" I wished I had some handcuffs or something. I put all my strength into holding on to his arm.

"Ponyboy, let go of my arm," he said kind of trough clenched teeth – his voice almost a whisper, but really firm and kind of cold, chillingly cold actually.

He pulled his arm out of my grip abruptly. I promptly grabbed him by his waist and pushed him away from the edge of the roof, all the way to the opposite side by the wall. He fell next to the wall, and I was blocking him from going back to the edge of the roof. He looked up from under his bangs bitterly and angrily, and then attacked me by sweeping my legs from the side.

In one instance we were rolling on the floor.

"Let go of me. What a fuck are you doing?!" He was trying to get closer to the edge of the roof again, and I was trying to roll back in the direction of the wall and drag him with me. I was successful at it, but just for a moment. Then we were back all the way by the edge of the roof, and he was trying get up to his feet. His look was full of determination, there was no hesitation in it. He was dead serious about the whole thing.

"If you jump - I jump! I swear to God!" I screamed, "right now, I swear to God that I will Johnny, and there's nothing you can do 'bout it. Even if we don't go together, if you jump first, I'll jump right after you."

At this time a tall, muscular security guard peeked his head in. But we were too close to the edge of the roof. Any wrong move and Johnny would jump. Just like that. I wouldn't be able to hold him. So I quickly motioned for the security not to interfere.

So now it was just me talking him out of it. That would be _the_ only way. I was shaking. I couldn't imagine what would happen if I'm unable to talk him out of it. I shuddered at the thought.

"Fuck, why'd you have to do this?" Johnny asked bitterly, sadness and disappointment in his voice. He was genuinely upset that I interrupted his plan. He was literally begging now, and a few tears rolled down his cheeks. "Please Ponyboy. I got to do this, I couldn't take it no more. C'mon let me go. Please, please…" He pleaded.

"Even if I do," I whispered almost mesmerized "it's like I said, if you jump - I jump." I let go of his arm and quickly got near the very edge of the roof. Shit it was high and windy and I kind of got dizzy for a second and lost my balance a little bit.

"Poooooonyboooooy nooooo!" - the scream pierced the air. I felt Johnny grab me from under my stomach and shove me all the way back to the wall.

Then we both lost our balance and collapsed on the floor by the wall. Tears were now streaming down his face. I kind of hit my head against the edge of the wall as he shoved me, and it started bleeding. I felt warm blood dripping down.

"I'm so sorry Pony," he gasped.

"It's ok," I said weakly, "just don't pull shit like that ever again."

"I know," he swallowed hard, "but you have to understand. I hate my life, I'm miserable every day, and there is nothing different I can ever expect from it. 'nd you know what the worst part is? You know what the worst part is?" His voice was shaking now and his whole body was shaking, and he was swallowing tears – "its getting your hopes up, and starting to believe for a while that maybe… just maybe there is something bright ahead of you, and then getting all your hopes crushed again. And then you tough it out. You stay strong, right? And you go for it again and your hopes get crushed again and again and again... I'm tired of going through that. You don't know how much that fucking hurts, Pony." He said looking directly down, not lifting his eyes even for a second as he spoke, pain in his voice. "It hurts a billion times more than hitting that asphalt down there." He almost whispered, and I could hardly make out what he was saying. "I'd rather just crush it right here once and for all."

"Don't you fucking dare ever talk like that!" I screamed. I took his arm, not forcefully this time. "Don't ever talk like that, Johnny" I whispered not taking my eyes away from his.

"C'mon Johnny," and now it was me that was pleading, "we'll think of something, and you know what, when your dad is not in your face every other day anymore and you won't be such a nervous wreck all the time you'll get stuff much better at school. And there is something bright for you in the future. We are gonna do something about your old man too. We will, I promise. He's abusing u man, 'nd that's just not right." I hated the word abuse. I tried avoiding saying it flat out like that to Johnny all these years but it just slipped out this time. I just said it and he was looking at me with a horrified expression on his face. "Yeah, that's what he's doing it, he's abusing you and he's ruinin' your life. You don't have to wait, we are gonna do something about the whole situation. Just please, please come down with me." I was surprised at how forceful and confident I sounded, but I guess I had to -for Johnny. I was up now and dragging at his arm for him to get up too.

He looked down, then in the direction of the edge of the roof one last time. Then he gazed into my pleading eyes quickly and started getting up. I pushed him slightly to walk in front of me, not behind, 'cause I dint want to take no chances. Not on shit like this. The security guards met us by the elevator, and Johnny lowered his head down so they couldn't see his face here in the light of the chandeliers. I kind of did the same and put my hood on too. No need for publicity and shit like that. I aint itching to wake up tomorrow to the whole thing being int the papers. Not to mention that would send social services our way once again.

We took the elevator down with the security guards. It must've been past midnight if not later by then. It was quiet in the hotel. People were sleeping or out, but no one was wondering the halls and shit like that. I kind of shielded Johnny with my body as we passed the front desk so the clerk couldn't see his face. Johnny only had his jean jacket so he didn't have a hood that he could put on or anything like that. He could only flip the collar of his jacket up and keep his head down.

"Thank you," I said quietly as we were passing the clerk at the front desk. I said it still walking and not stopping for even a second, my head down and my hood on. As Johnny exited, and I was reaching for the door to do the same, I heard the clerk call me – "hey kid," I turned around, and glanced at him from under the hood. "Get some help for him will ya? He may try it again, you know."

"Yeah, I know." I said - my voice cracking and the words hardly coming out. I reached for the door, and exited.

Oh, I WILL GET help for him all right, I thought. Not the kind of help social workers give - suicide watch and all that crap. No, I am going to get him REAL help. Get his dad off his back and deal with all the other shit, and socs and social services. I have no idea how I'm going to do it, but I will. Me and Dal, and all of us will. I wasn't just talking up there on the roof to get him to come down. I really meant it and I will make sure of it.

"C'mon," I said to Johnny, "let's go to the lot." Oh boy, am I going to get it from Darry in the morning. I didn't care though. This is way more important I thought as we walked to the lot.


End file.
